AND THIS WEEKS "BITCH I'D CUT A BITCH OVER"...TEENA MARIE

Don't ever play with me about Teena Marie. I loves me some Teena Marie. I will slice a bitch fron throat to navel for talking bad about Teena Marie. Besides the fact that she can sing better than pretty much any white broad whos ever put out a record in the history of creation, she can sing better than...lets say...93% of black broads too. Homegirl doesn't sing, she sangs. And she used to date Rick James, which as far as I'm concerned earned her a lifetime ghetto pass. Teena Marie is the original white bitch who only fucked with black men. And I LOVE white women who only fuck with black men because they piss off black women with their belligerent unwilliness to "stay with their own". As ya'll know I'm colored myself and I could give two shits less- but seems like most black women hate on the white girls because they're dipping into an already small and sketchy pool of men. But ladies, lets be real. You black hoez have rank attitudes, are unwilling to take it in the ass, and only recently started giving head...I mean...white girls been doing that shit since 1963. Step your game up....STATUS: WARM, SUNNY, BREEZY PLACE.

MY BOO OF THE WEEK: RICK ROSS

I an effort to highlight...well...me...and spread my message of bitchiness and hostility, I present to you my "boo of the week" segment. My boo for this week is Miami's own Rick Ross. For my those in my blogging audience who are either a. white and tragically unhip, or b. too pussy to steal cable like everyone else, Rick Ross is a rapper who blew the fuck up this summer with a song called Hustlin'. No, I don't have a link to the song because If you've haven't heard the song by now, your obviously a dweeb. And last I checked it's not my fucking job to help you be cool and slow your inevitable descent into eternal dweebdom...but back to my obese paramour...



Rick Ross is my boo because he's a fatty (you know I love big-ums), he appears to have a lazy eye, and as my Co-Worker Belligerence Squared so eloquently pointed out, he makes absolutely no attempt to make the words in his raps rhyme. Now this wouldn't really be an issue, except that when you rap, the words are supposed to rhyme. Because if your rapping and the words don't rhyme, guess what your doing?TALKING. But at the end of the day, what has really elevated Rick Ross to boo of the week status is that in almost every non-press photo I've ever seen of him he's sweating profusely- as seen in the above pic. Those mamacitas are brave than a muthafucka but I feel like behind those smiles they're holding their breath so they don't have to inhale through their nose...I'm feeling like if you stood near him he'd smell like miracle whip, onions, beef and bunk. And that my friends is truly a cold, dark, damp place. STATUS: HOT, HAIRY, DAMP PITS....

REASON #12 BLACK PEOPLE ARE COOLER THAN WHITE PEOPLE

Oh my...what do we have here...Barbara Streisand a.k.a. the original Babs a.k.a. the embodiment of reason #12 black people are cooler than white people. Melanin is a warm breezy place. Yo yo yo white people. You know what? No matter how much money, power, and privilege you have, we're still cuter than you muthafuckas...and let's be real, at the end of the day physical beauty is all that really matters right? Take Natalie Cole for example, whos roughly the same age as the mush-face in the above pic. Natalie was an MECP certified, Zagat Rated coke and heroin addict. I think we can reasonably infer that she probably drank malt liqour, chain smoked menthol cigarettes and did a gang of perverted ass sexual shit to boot. And I strongly doubt that the bitch adhered to the good skin care regimen while she had "the monkey on her back". And for all the cracking and a'whoring, I'll be damned if the bitch doesn't look good now....I mean, I'd tap that

and I'm not even gay. So for all of you Lindsey Lohan type hoez, all laid out in the sun baking your creamy porcelain skin, your white asses better take a looky see at your future staring you in your wrinkled face. And if you smoke cigarettes its really curtains and miniblinds for you. You know after like 30+ years of smoking you white hoes get those little wrinkle lines all around your lips, looking like the cryptkeeper and shit. I leave my melatonin challenged sisters with two words: SPF 45. Learn it, Own it, Love it. STATUS: COLD, DARK & SUN DAMAGED

DEJA CRAP

Before I begin my rant, let me preface this by saying I DON'T dislike Beyonce or Destiny's Child. She's a pretty girl (and I mean that in a condscending way) and she can sing....sort of...well let me rephrase that- she can't not sing. So I don't have a problem with her per se, its just that she has a sedative effect on me, like Tylenol PM if you will. Bottomline, chop it anyway you want, the ho is BORING. Anyhoo, I had the extreme displeasure of watching her Deja Vu video for the first time ever this morning. After watching the epileptic crackfest of a video I was immediately transported to the coldest and darkest of places. I wanted to crawl back in bed, assume the fetal position pull the blanket over my head and suck my thumb. I don't even know where to start, but perhaps the best place would be that the bitch was tweeking and jumping around (I think she thought she was dancing) like a fucking icehead throughout the entire video. She's literally running around what appears to be a plantation, shaking violently, running some more, more violent shaking... She kept looking at me all funny with the "crazy eye" (I think she thought she was being sensual). I felt like I was being yelled at- in vibrato- the entire video and the only time the ho shut her piehole was when Jay-Z spit what had to be two of the wackest verses to ever escape those sambo ass lips of his. I felt very unsafe. Very at risk. Who ever directed and choreographed this pig slop of a video needs a serious and severe as whooping. Well apparently Deja Vu has put so many Beyonce fans in a cold dark place these losers have started an online petition requesting that she reshoot the video. Don't believe me? Click here. I don't know what's colder and darker, the shitty ass video, or the geek ass muthafuckas that took the time to create the gotdamn petition. STATUS: I CAN'T EVEN GIVE YOU ANY CUTE COLD DARK PLACE QUIPS ON THIS ONE- THIS VIDEO WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT.

SHAKE IT OFF (THE COLD DARK PLACE REMIX)

courtesy of crunktastical.blogspot.com

Pancakes anyone?

STATUS: COLD, DARK, TRAGIC MULATTO...Sidebar: I been done told you muthafuckas that even up to 50% black DNA doesn't guarantee you an ass. The white woman "washboard ass" gene is always dominant with our 1/2 & 1/2 mulatto sistas, as is the FUPA (FAT UPPER PUBIC AREA)-Dove Love to Belligerence Squared for hipping me to the FUPA. Mariah clearly didn't escape either genetic marker. Alicia Keys seems to have made out okay...

MY CRAZY ASS COUSIN MOLLY'S FAMILY PICTURE

Here's a pic of Molly and all her bastard-ass kids. As you can see, she's like the female version of Ashy Larry(sidebar:dove love to Dave Chapelle, you're a genius boy! And if you're still up to fucking with black chicks I'd gladly carry your child).

If it's not completely clear in above the photo, Molly is a sloppy-ho (dove love to sloppy hoes- you make the rest of us look good!) She looks a hot mess without all the make-up, the fake contacts, and the ratty ass weave. Molly likes to buy that cheap Black Radiance shit they sell at Rite-Aid. She buys her hazel contacts off of E-Bay. I told her I don't think it's such a good idea to buy used contacts, but the ho doesn't listen until she fucks around and gets hepatitis (again) and a staph infection (again). Between that bullshit and all her venereal diseases Molly stays on amoxicillin...I have four words to sum up Molly: 1. STRETCH, 2. MARKS, 3. GIANT, 4. AREOLAS. I mean she wears an A cup but her areolas are size of saucers. Molly you better go'n somewhere with your big ass nipples looking like snausages. STATUS: COLD, CHAPPED, FERTILE & ASHY

Sidebar: Did you know Ashy Larry has his own myspace page, and wikepedia entry? What type of shit is this?

Ashy Larry's Wikedpedia page

Ashy Larry's Myspace Profile

ON A SERIOUS NOTE-CAM'RON=G.O.A.T.

courtesy of myspace.com/camron

My children. Mama Poom-Poom Star rarely gets all serious and weepy eyed and shit, but this is serious. In my vestitude as the owner/operator of this bootleg ass blog, and as a gully ass bitch, I officially crown Cam'ron as The Greatest Of All Times. His committment to ignorance continues to astonish and inspire me. Don't believe me? Just look at the track listing of his album..."wet wipes", "white girls", "girls cash cars". The chorus of "wet wipes" goes: "go get your wet wipes/get your wet wipes/get your wet wipes/ get your wet wipes/I see your headlights/ they looking dead nice/they got a nigga saying d-d-d-d-d-d-d-damn."

Now if that ain't classic I don't know what is.

Cam'ron, we at Cold, Dark Place SALUTE YOU.My children, I leave you with this quotable from Cam'ron's boo Hell Rell, which can be found on an eloquent musical masterpiece called "Get 'Em Daddy": I walk around like I gotta a broom in my pants/No that's a semi-auto heavy platoon in my pants...

CAM'RON QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Would you like a tissue?/You go'n need it to wipe the cum off your nose baby girl cuz you're sucking my cock/Ain't a question now, it's a guarantee / They say I think I'm the shit, well apparently/But you won't hear words like "marry me"/Only thing you gonna hear is, suck it or not-Cam'ron, Suck it or Not

GUESS WHO'S B-IZ-ACK! LET THE MOCKERY BEGIN!

courtesy of kwyxz.org

Guess who's back bitches! I had to take a short leave of absence to get my shit together. Well, no not really, I was just bullshitting for absolutely no reason. I still don't have my shit together. During my four month hiatus the following happened:

1. My crazy ass cousin Molly had two more kids (bringing the kid count to 13 and the baby daddy count to 16.5- don't ask) . She is not currently working- well let me rephrase- she is stripping at a local Kenosha club, Kibbles & Bits under the alias: Stretch Marks- but she gets paid under the table. She is also enrolled in online classes at Devry to get her associates degree in paralegal studies.

2. My co-worker Belligerence Squared finally "snapped" and went all Michael Douglas in Falling Down on us. He is currently on disability, (dove love to recieving 66 and 2/3 of your check while sitting home on you ass doing nothing Belligerence Squared- I SALUTE you) but he's working security at the Decatur Flea Market and getting paid under the table. Belligerence Squared always did have "toy cop" written all over him. His mullet remains intact, although the back is all flipped up and shit a la Marilyn Quayle (Molly- Marilyn Quayle was vice president Dan Quayle's wife).

3. Cam'ron put out a new album which will enable me to continue to post "Cam'ron qoutes of the week" for the next seven years.

4. I beat the living crap out of my Crazy Ass Cousin Molly's daughter Aquafina A.K.A. tax exemption #7. Play with me Aquafina. PLAY WITH ME.

STATUS: COLD, DARK & BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK BITCHES!!!

THE JUDGE UNLEASED: ATL MOVIE PREMIERE

I'm trying ya'll. I'm trying so hard to be good. To be right. Before I write, I think "what would Jill Scott do?". But these muthafuckas are determined to bring me out of my self imposed judging exile. Sigh. This time it's the ATL movie premiere. While I must give dove love to Big Boi and TI, who I am most certain have no acting ability (especially seeing as how TI has only marginal rapping ability) for working the system all the way to a big screen movie...I want to see ATL about as much as I want to have gallstones. But they keep calling me....the judge keeps calling me.....

courtesy of cakeandice-cream.blogspot.com

Oh these muthafuckas. The "Laffy Taffy" muthafucks. D4L. I live in Atlanta yet I realize that the song "Laffy Taffy" is "reason #2 old white people will never respect or appreciate rap music". The whole "snap music" genre is truly a Cold Dark Place. And look at this ig'nant muthafucka. I guarantee you this muthafucka is 37 years old, married, with 2.5 kids and a masters degree in anthropology from the University of Pennsylania. And look at him acting the ass. I don't know what's worse, his incessant insistence in holding his leg up like a fucking fairy, or his yellow knee highs. He looks like a ghetto ass, sweet ass leprechaun with bipolar disorder or some shit. He is totally giving me a "happy holding his leg up, sticking his tongue out one minute, crying and threatening to cut himself the next" vibe. Martin Luther King Jr. marched in Selma, got bit by police dogs and shit so this muthafucka can act the ass in public. Damn. Let me check my palm pilot...



Damn, I didn't know Big Boi is married? According to Getty Images, the stereotype (you know, light skinned, long hair) in the above photo is his wife. I need just one rapper, one professional athlete to just BREAK and marry a dark, overweight woman with short nappy buckshots for hair. Just one....I thing Big Boi's little ass is kind of sexy. His teeth are hypnotizingly white. I was hoping he and I could have some really short babies. Oh well....back to the drawing board...




In the grain of being positive I must give dove love to T-Boz for aging so marvelously; Black women's ability to get older yet look the fucking same is "reason #7 black people are, were, and will always be cooler than white people". Now on to biz'ness. This is what happens when people who are pushing 40 try to dress like they're a tween. Her shirt/skirt thing...fuck it let's call it what it is- the fucking fabric hanging from her chest to her ankles- looks like a hankerchief. It's clearly not appropriate for any situation or circumstance other than draping it across a picnic table, but then she threw in jeans? What's going on? I am confused, bewildered, insecure, puzzled.....I feel very unsafe. Tassles make me feel unsafe ya'll.

Speaking of things that make me feel unsafe, Meagan Good and her aggressive ass eyebrows showed up as well. Yo, I swear her eyebrows sent me a threatening e-mail last week. And, oh no this bitch didn't wear a jumpsuit to a movie premiere. Oh yes this bitch did. So you get banged out by Jamie Foxx and all of a sudden you think you can wear PJ's on the red carpet? Not gangsta at all. And I thought the velvet jumpsuit thing was over with like in 2002. Oh, my bad, it was.


Meagan Good's eyebrows: "Bitch you want it with me?"Poom-Poom Star: "Hell to the naw!"




Jada, when you wear DOOKIE BRAIDS, you don't just hurt yourself, you hurt the whole community. Now ask yourself; are you part of the PROBLEM or part of the SOLUTION? I think we all know the answer to that. Now go home and take that shit OUT. Like NOW.

BAD TIMES

Sigh. So the cast of Good Times had a reunion, for.....no apparent fucking reason. Dove love & RIP to Esther Rolles a.k.a. Florida Evans who was probably the only actor on the show who didn't overact and engage in bufoonry. That being said I LOVE ME SOME GOOD TIMES. I used to want to be Thelma...I think my Mama secretly wanted me to marry Michael. All the below pics actually came to me in an e-mail from my Crazy Ass Cousin Molly, a.k.a: "reason #2 the government stopped welfare", a.k.a. " the #1 reason FEMA stopped stipends to Hurricane Katrina evacuees". It ain't right Molly....it ain't right....got me watching all your damned demon spawn ass kids here in NYC while you laid up in a Microtel in Decatur on FEMA money....but I digress...without further ado...what time is it? It's judging time. What time is it? It's judging time....

Damn! The above photo is of J.J. "Dynomite!" Evans who was like the star of the show because he was particularly bufoonish and stereotypical. The only thing "Dynomite!" about him in the above pic is the level of ash on his skin. I mean, damn. And I never quite understood why some black folk turn like five shades darker as they get older. He looks like an ashy, burnt groundhog. This is an all out situation. Way past Vaseline or Keri. I need him to use AVEENO and Lubridem. The good shit. The 8 dollar lotion.


Dove Love to my boo Thelma for staying beautiful! You go boo! I don't really have much to work with in the way of judging since she looks fabulous, but I HATE when people who aren't fat wear "loose fitting" dresses. It's like, what the FUCK are you trying to hide? Do you have a small albino midget under there or something? I pint of Hennessy? I could also do without the hairstyle of choice being a spiral set which by my calculations has not been en vogue since lets say....1992? But I am willing to work past that seeing as how she is what, about 74?


Damn, Wilona used to be so jazzy, as my Daddy would say (sidebar: my Daddy also says "groovy" and "happenin' and "jive turkey"). Wilona had so much sass, so much spunk, so much umph. Right here, she looks about one brain cell short of Alzheimers. "Where am I? What's happening? The lights....the bright white lights....who's that ashy ass nigga over there? He scares me..."


Oh my....do we all remember the annoying, sambo ass maintenance man Bookman? For those who are still confused, he had a permed roller set a la Al Sharpton, and was fat and sloppy back in the day. He also wore a one piece janitor uniform that more or less looked like a one-sie. I mean, damn. His teeth look like he's been rubbing molasses, crust and butter on them bitches for like 30 years. Two words for Bookman: PERIODONTAL DISEASE.

IT CAN KILL

Okay...well no it can't but if I tell you that will you take your ass to the dentist? STATUS: HIS GUMS AREN'T HAVING A GOOD TIME

REASON #143

courtesy of cakeandice-cream.blogspot.com

Sigh. Black people can't never get ahead. It's like we take two steps forward, three steps back. The above photo is of Macy Gray, better known as "Reason #143 why White People are Scared of Black People". Red carpets are a cold dark place as it is, and her plaid, silk, and beady-bee afro number make it even more frigid and dim. I mean, damn. Her shit is coarse. I mean...the bitch is from like Ohio, not the far eastern tundra of Ghana. She is taking me to a Motherland "saggy exposed titties and a loin cloth, carrying a bucket of water on her head, and herding goats" place. Ladies, we've had this talk already. I'm a say it one more fucking time. Unless one of your parents is white or asian, you need a fucking relaxer. Don't fight it....own it....STATUS: COLD, DARK AND IN NEED OF A VIRGIN RELAXER

I'M RICH BITCH!

Now unless you are extremely unobservant, or borderline autistic like my Crazy Ass Cousin Molly it should be clear to you that I love me some Cam'ron. The reason for said love, is that I believe he may potentially be the most ign'ant and flamboyant human being walking the face of the Earth- and I love every minute of it. Mocking Jay-Z for wearing open toed sandals. Mocking the would-be car jackers who shot him in DC because he wouldn't raise up out of his purple ferrari. The man has on close to ten chains in the above photo, all tacky, all imbedded in diamonds. He's like a walking advertisement for "rob my ass, and rob my ass good". And I love it. Love it. Everyone in life has a purpose. And Aunty Poom-Poom Star feels her destiny is to be Cam's baby mama. Don't wanna marry him. Don't wanna be his girlfriend. I just want our two kids, a McMansion, a Porsche Cayenne, and $10 G's a month for child support and "living expenses"....is that too much to ask? Alright shit, who am I kidding, I'll take a Section 8 Townhouse, a Kia Sephia, and a hot $150 a week plus a never ending supply of beer and cigarettes (keep the Colt 45 and Newports coming)...give me a room at the Econo Lodge, 8 minutes, and a towel and I will work it out.STATUS: READY, WILLING, OVULATING, WAITING

COLD DARK & STRAPPED

So if you haven't heard yet, Young Jeezy a.k.a. Jeezy the Snowman was arrested in Miami, last weekend, day before yesterday, shit I don't know exactly when and I am relatively certain you don't give a fuck. Apparently, members of his "entourage" and the po-po had a "shoot-out", then like ranch they dipped (dove love to Lil Wayne for that little ranch dip bit).
Jeezy was later pulled the fuck over and had two semi-automatic guns in his car. Click here for the mugshot and details....I mean....I don't see a problem here....I mean...the po-po always be fucking with a nigga and shit. I mean, I'm sure all Jeezy's entourage wanted to do was smoke a little weed, drink a little cris. Maybe sniff a little coke, sip a little sizurp, then run a train on an unsuspecting video hoefessional. I mean...I'm sure they were just trying to have good wholesome all American fun. I mean...the po-po all on they back. And everyone is all up in arms over the gun thing(no pun intended-sidebar: I didn't even do that "up in arms" thing on purpose, I am just that fucking witty unintentionally) I mean...he only had two guns on him...I mean....it's not like he had a semi-automatic high powered rifle on him....oh, my bad he had 2 semi-autos on him...STATUS: WARM, COMFORTABLE, NOT SURPRISING OR SHOCKING

CAM'RON QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I get dough any way/I can flow any way/Yo you rap about money, man, who are you anyway?/ C'mon, all my jewels ice and gray/And nigga might I say/ I'm Mister Rogers status, I change twice a day-Cam'ron, Let Me Know

REASON #27

courtesy of crunktastical.blogspot.com

The above pic is of Lil Wayne, or as I refer to him "Reason # 27 White People are Scared of Black People". If my calculations are correct, he has approximately 9 to 12 chains around his neck, and his pants are sagging to his mid-thigh. Add in the platinum teeth and exposed boxer shorts and you officially have an Ig'nant Ass Nigga. I only have one question for Lil Weezy. Do you want to go to the penitentiary, or do you just want to emulate the look of someone who wants to go to the penitentiary? STATUS: COLD, DARK PLACE, HOT ASS MESS.

VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER?

courtesy of concreteloop.com

The above photo is of British model Naomi Campbell, a.k.a: "I'll Smack-A-Bitch". For the record, I love Naomi Campbell. She is old as shit and still looks good, and she regularly and routinely keeps her weave tight. But perhaps what endears her most to me is her unflinching willingness to slap the shit out of a bitch if need be. I think three of her personal assistants have sued her civilly because she put the smack down on their ass. Greedy bastards. My issue with the whole thing is- after she slapped the first bitch- if you chose to be her personal assistant as far as I'm concerned, you were asking for a smack down. And can we really be real, some people need to be bitch slapped. I mean...some hoez need a good open-fist smack say, once every three months. It keeps the bitches in line. I have no problem with this...STATUS: COMFORTABLE APPROPRIATE & VIOLENT

Sidebar: Naomi, I love you and all but before you go out in public, please, please for the love of God use some chapstick, blistex, something. I mean....your shit looks parched...your taking me to a Tyrone Biggums place....

AND WE WONDER WHY THEY HATE US....

courtesy of cakeandice-cream.blogspot.com

Sigh. The above pic is none other than white rapper Paul Wall, or as I prefer to call him,Reason # 128 Why People From Other Countries Hate Americans. His mouth is truly a cold dark place and a hot mess at the same time. Apparently the words "limits" and "boundaries" are unheard of in the music industry. This man probably- well knowing my blogging audience, definitely-has more money in his mouth than your annual salary (sidebar: or in my Crazy Ass cousin Molly's case, her hourly wages). This wanton, reckless wastefulness is why basically every other fucking country in the world hate us Americans. Well, that and the fact that we have better teeth, can and will nuke their ass if necessary, and have doctors who actually take the time to sterilize surgical instruments. I mean.....they hate, they judge, yet the illegally immigrate here and love McDonalds...STATUS: COLD, DARK, WASTEFUL AND GLUTTONOUS

COLD, DARK & MEDIOCRE

courtesy of byroncrawford.com

So if you haven't heard, Triple Six Mafia won the best song Oscar last Sunday. I would have commented on it earlier but these muthafuckas in my ghetto ass, project ass apartment building took my internets for five days . This shit damn near brought tears to my heavily mascared eyes….who would have thought: In the year 2006, Triple Six Mafia, who have been rapping for well over a decade, and are only marginally talented (which is why its taken a decade for them to blow up) and borderline illiterate would be flashing their platinum grills on the red carpet at the Oscars? And would then go on to win an Oscar for an over simplistic song that sucked ass- even for them? I am moved. I am very very moved.I mean, if marginally talentless white people (i.e: Dolly Parton) can win Oscars why can't marginally talented black people? I wonder how Martin Luther King would feel about this…I wonder how Martin Luther King would feel about their song "You Know it's Hard out Here for a Pimp".I mean…lets be fair....it must be hard being a pimp...STATUS:

THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT OF 1965 ENDING SEGREGATION: GRATIFYING

OPRAH WINFREY, A BLACK WOMAN, BECOMING THE BIGGEST AND RICHEST TV PERSONALITY IN AMERICA: PROLIFIC

TRIPLE SIX MAFIA WINNING AN OSCAR AND FLASHING THEIR PLATINUM GRILLS ON THE RED CARPET: PRICELESS

MAMA'S SO SORRY!!!

My babies! My babies! I've neglected you! I've neglected you! Mama's so sorry! Mama is so so sorry! These muthafuckas took my internets for five days! For five days my babies! I had no internets! I was truly in a cold, dark place. I was lonesome, restless, disheveled and disoriented. I had no internets for five days people. Five days...I am still working through the emotional issues attached to the loss of internets....but I will get by babies. I will survive....these shady muthafuckas tried to hold me down...they took my internets....

JUDGING, UNPLUGGED

courtesy of concreteloop.com

If the photo of the Brown family is the official Cold Dark Place mascot, then the above photo of Lauryn Hill is the Cold Dark Place magazine ad. She is clearly engaged in the act of judging. Her face says "Nigga what?", "I judge for a living" and "you must don't know who you fucking with" all in the same breath. I don't know where she is or what she's supposed to be doing but she's clearly judging ass, and taking names. Dove-love Lauryn. I salute you.

MY CRAZY ASS COUSIN MOLLY; THE WIND BENEATH MY COLD, DARK PLACE

courtesy of cakeandice-cream.blogspot.com

The above photo is of my Crazy-Ass Cousin Molly's kids performing at a school pageant. I can't get into the details of why they all appear to be within the same age range, but I can tell you that the bitch is 32 years old, and has remained in a perpetual state of pregnancy for the last 14 years, Molly, I've got one word, three syllables for you: SEASONAL. I have one more word, two syllables: CONDOMS. And one more, three syllables for the road: DIAPHRAM. I ain't hating though because I get to claim 4 of them as exemptions on my taxes. Don't hate....STATUS: COLD, DARK, WHORISH & FERTILE

ANGRY WHITE WOMAN OF THE WEEK: NANCY GRACE

For any of you (well knowing my blogging audience, all of you) who don't watch CNN, I strong urge you to do so at 8:00 p.m. Monday through Friday. I got hip to Nancy Grace during my college "smoke a blunt and watch Court TV" days. She is an attorney turned T.V. personality a la Starr Jones, and she now has a show on CNN (click here for the link to her show's page).This bitch's level of belligerence makes my Co-Worker Belligerence Squared look like Bambi (no offense Belligerence Squared but this bitch is angry). First and foremost she is extremely defensive, and speaks in an inappropriately loud tone of voice naturally so you know it's on and poppin' from the gate. Her committment to belligerence includes:

a) Yelling at, and over guests- even when they are agreeing with her.

b) Talking down and displaying otherwise condescending behavior to guests- you'll know it's coming when she starts her sentence with "I mean, come on"

c)Asking guests marginally offensive hypothetical questions to mock them.

d)Berating law enforcement and Defense attorneys

e) Ranting & raving

f) Consistently displaying a facial expression that screams "don't make me come out from behind this news desk and smack you in the face with my shoe" (see above photo).

This trick takes chip on her shoulder to a whole 'nother level. Nancy Grace; For your high level of hostility, unbelievably stank attitude, and your overall committment to belligerence, we at Cold Dark Place salute you. Dove Love Nancy. DOVE-LOVE.

CAM'RON QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I got 800 invisible men that mean it could be the bank man/person at the gas station filling up your tank, fam/lady at the front stand/she'll rat poison your relish right in the center babe/the bitch is a renegade/she'll piss in your lemonade-Cam'ron...Losing Weight Part 2

ANGRY WHITE WOMEN ARE THE NEW ANGRY BLACK MEN

courtesy of dlisted.com

If anyone missed last week's episode of Flavor of Love, Pumkin a.ka. "the unstable white bitch with heavy bags under her eyes" spit at, or rather should I say on New York (a.k.a. the tranny). The shit was classic and will undoubtedly go down as one of the most entertaining and shocking moments in reality tv history, so in other words, all this shit is meaningless. I must give dove-love to Pumkin for her immaculate aim (she landed that shit right on ol' girls chin), and her commitment to making her spittle projectile. Let's be real, the bitch didn't learn that shit over night. True ability to spit in another bitch's face is culitivated, studied and practiced. Pumkin's act of belligerence has brought to my attention to an alarming and frankly satisfying trend I've noticed in television over the last few years. Angry white women. No more angry black man on MTV's Real World. Oh no. The last two or three seasons have produced relatively calm quasi-homosexual black men, but atleast one angry, emotionally unstable, and belligerent white girl. I love it. Love it. White broads are the new angry black man. In honor of my hostile melatonin-challenged sisters, I will be honoring one white woman each week who's committment to belligerence is exemplary.

THE OFFICIAL COLD DARK PLACE MASCOTS

courtesy of concreteloop.com

Children, sometimes, a Cold Dark Place just speaks for itself. I present to you Bobby, Whitney & Bobbi Kristina Houston...STATUS: PRICELESS, TIMELESS & SELF-EXPLANATORY

FARNSWORTH "COLD DARK PLACE" BENTLEY

courtesy of concreteloop.com

For anyone who's forgotten (which is probably 99.8% of you), the above photo is of Farnsworth Bentley, a.k.a: P. Diddy's (or as my Mama would call him Puffy the Daddy's) former man servant. I saw him at Club 112 in Atlanta about a year ago; he arrived in a party bus with an entourage of females that screamed "I went to Spellman or Clark Atlanta for three semesters but couldn't quite cut it so now I work at the Express at Lenox Mall for $8.00 an hour, and I am arriving at Club 112 as part of Farnsworth Bentley's entourage as my weekend gig". It was all very overdone, very unnecessary, very "look at me! I'm important!". Farnsworth is apparently coming out with an album. Oh yes kids, I kid you not. I have three words, one question to describe my sentiments on Farnsworth.
Top, or bottom?
STATUS:COLD DARK PLACE, WARM TIGHT ANAL CAVITY.

DAVE CHAPELLE MAKES ME COMFORTABLE

Hi children! Whats crack-a-lackin? The below photos are from the premier of Dave Chapelle's new movie Block Party. While I love me some "Chapelle Show" I have no desire to see this movie because it appears extremely unfocused, and more or less like a big hodge podge of shit. Don't let my Co-Worker Belligerence Squared know because he is slightly obsessed with Dave Chapelle. When he found out the new season didn't start when it was supposed to, he went into seclusion for a week....ready....set....JUDGE!

courtesy of crunktastical.blogspot.com

The man himself...for anyone who is from another planet, blond, or just arrived fresh off the boat from Senegal and/or Korea, the above photo is of Dave Chapelle. Dave makes me feel very comfortable because despite the fame he is a regular nigga. Darkened lips, cigarette smoking, down goos coat wearing regular nigga.

courtesy of crunktastical.blogspot.com

I understand and appreciate Erykah Badu's weed habit...but damn. I mean the mix of seasons, materials, colors, textures, it's too much. Did her high ass have a bowl of honey smacks before she went out too? The cout-de-tat of the entire presentation is the cold dark place known as a dead beaver's tail tied around her neck. Where's PETA's aggravating ass when you need them? This outfit just screams "throw a bucket of red paint on me".

courtesy of crunktastical.blogspot.com

Jill Scott is probably one of the inaugural members in the "bitches I'd cut another bitch over" club. I love this bitch. Easily one of the most prolific singers/songwriters of our generation. Her voice, her delivery, her lyrics, her live performances, her intonation, all classic. Don't play with me over Jill. Ever. I love me some Jill. You will get sliced and diced like a little piece of celery talking bad about Jill Scott around me. I'm so sincere. All you skinny bitches take note; what is contained in those size 18 jeans is called TALENT. Learn about it....

courtesy of crunktastical.blogspot.com

This is the guy from Behind the Actors Studio on PBS. I can't remember his name, and to make even a cursory attempt to log unto PBS's website (which is undoubtebly pbs.com) to find out may present the inference that I give a fuck, which ofcourse is agains't my principles & ethics. I believe his last name is Lipton but don't get me to lying....Anywho, Dave Chapelle was on Behind the Actor's Studio and per my Co-Worker Belligerence Squared, Lipton or whatever the fuck his name is was all in homo-love with Dave. Apparently he was unaware that colored folks can at times be witty, articulate and ghetto all at the same time. It's called multi-faceted. But back on focus, this guy has always made me very uncomfortable. He comes across as very sketchy, very wierd. He's probably Canadian.....

GM FASHION SHOW= COLD, DARK AND ILLOGICAL

Sigh. I mean, what do you expect? Myself, my co-worker Belligerence Squared, and my Crazy Ass Cousin Molly all have a problem with American cars and regularly and routinely mock them. I mean, Molly even rides a Japanese made 12 Speed. General Motors, being an American car company can't manufacture a decent car much less put together a fashion show. I need them to spend less money on fashion shows and invest in figuring out how to make those damned GMC Jimmy's stop flipping the fuck over. Priorities people. Without further ado, let the judgefest begin. Gentlemen start your engines:

From left to right Regina King (from Ray), TV Host Pat O'Brien and actress Halie Duff (a.k.a Hilary's younger, less attractive sister). The coldness and darkness of this photo is giving me goosebumps. Regina King proves she's a talented actress by pretending she is totally okay with this, pretending she is okay with Pat O'Briens cokehead ass, and pretending Pat O'Briens cokehead ass cornball comments are funny. Now that's talent. Halie Duff's only claim to fame is that her father busted a nut in the wrong orifice (should have gone for the mouth bro) approximately two years after Hillary was born. Pat O'Brien appears to have on a pastel pink blazer, and dark stiff denim jeans a la Cross Colours from the early 90's. Isn't he on Access Hollywood, or one of those meaningless Entertainment Tonight-esque shows? I gained so much more respect for him when I found out that he tooted coke, and telephone stalked women. Pat, you are a G but I need you to work on that damned sinus congestion problem I mean gotdamn! I leave you with two words Pat: NASAL DECONGESTANT. Try it sometime. It really works.

I'm really starting to think Vivica A. Fox is off her rocker. I think she truly may have lost her marbles since the whole 50 Cent thing. Her hair is foofy-foo and more or less looks like she has a leisure curl. And apparently she didn't get the memo that the peasant blouse/skirt look is not meant to be combined with sparkly shit. It is simply unacceptable. But perhaps the coldest darkest place is the fact that she is comfortable posing behind a MINI-VAN. The shit doesn't even look new, it looks like a 1988 Ford Aerostar with a really bad marble paint job. I swear I can see knicks and dents in the front bumper. Sidebar: Umm, ladies of Hollywood just one word of advice. When you opt to have plastic surgery and put botox in your lips & shit, keep this in mind; you can leave your shit as is and look like an old(er) woman, or you can fuck with your shit and end up looking like old(er) transvestite. It's your call.

Now I respect India-Arie's gangsta (although purchasing any of her albums has never and will never even remotely crossed my mind) because her message, and her overall look is belligerent and anti-establishment. But this shit? Uh-uh. Hell no. HELL NO. I gave you a pass when you rocked the fade for like a year but this shit here? Oh no no no. She looks like ghetto ass african mermaid.





Ashton & Demi are "friends in my head" (dove love to Wendy Williams for hipping me to grown-up imaginary friends). We have tuna sandwiches at the ranch in Idaho, I play Scrabble with Rumor and Scout....Ashton looks like he has that putrid morning breath in the above photos. I need for his eyes not to be bloodshot, and I need Demi to have opted for the size 10 dress instead of the 6. I mean...plaid isn't meant to be tight fitting....the bitch might fracture a rib if she sneezes.....

courtesy of crunktastical.blogspot.com

According to the caption on Crunk & Disorderly the above luscious piece of man chocolate is Reggie Bush. I have absolutely no idea who the fuck he is, nor do I care enough to spend the 6 seconds it would take to google him and find out. I assume he plays sports. Hey Reggie, wanna have sex? HOLLA AT ME. I'll be ovulating between the 3rd and 10th of the month (dove love to my menstrual cycle). We can make things happen...

GUESS WHO'S BIZ-ACK!

Still smell the judge in my clothes, don't make me have to relapse on these hoez...Hi Kids! As usual, I'm tardy with the posts in true colored people fashion. Once again my Co-worker Belligerence Squared thereatened me with bodily harm if I didn't update the blog. Rather than issuing his threat verbally, he chose to submit said threat in the form of a ransom note left in the cold dark anals of my cubicle space. I mean.....damn....